ALL OVER THE MAP

Barking up the right tree, for a change.

This fall, I’m writing a big ol’ moneymaking bestseller. You may have heard this is not just an “impossible dream” but a “pointless crapshoot.” Believe it all you want, Mr. Crabcakes, because I have a simple, workable plan.
Dogs are big earners, publishing-wise. Not books like Old Yeller and Sounder, but first-person, soul-baring, pop-psych books, starring dogs. Stuff like How My Dog Saved Me From Alcoholism. Why I Left My Man For a Dog. El Perro Magnifico: My Tale of Old Mexico.
This is a bandwagon upon which I intend to jump. Herewith, a letter to my agent

Dear Betsy,
As promised (or whatever) here’s my outline of Seven Business Secrets Learned From One Tuff Mutt.

1. You can live in a house, or you can dominate it. Your choice. Pee on the carpet, I always say.
2. If you wanna to be alpha, you gotta roll in the smelly stuff.
3. Yap yap yap yap yap long enough and you’ll get the attention you deserve.
4. No one, but no one, can stop your upward climb—into the Sleep Number bed, onto the counter where the coldcuts lie, over the fence to freedom.
5. There is only one God, and it is dinner. (Betsy: this has nothing to do with business. Or does it?)
6. They loved you as a puppy, but lately you sense a cool detachment. When you shed, which who doesn’t, and they’re wearing black, they start talking about converting you to an “outside dog.” A Foster and Smith catalog lies open to a page of training aids equipped with cruel electric zappers, some circled in red Sharpie. Canine PR is at an all time low, what with Paris Hilton carrying a rat-dog-thing in her purse. What’s left to hope for? A monogrammed goose-down dog bed from Eddie Bauer ? Don’t make me laugh. (Betsy: This isn’t a business tip either, but don’t businesspersons feel down in the dumps sometimes? Huh?)
7. Hey! A ball! A ball! A ball!

Does this concept have legs, or what? Please hand it over to any publisher who’ll cough up a hundred copies to sell at a high-level signing to be held at Petsmart. Or maybe at Petsmart’s annual corporate retreat. We’ll need to hash this stuff over, but basically, the deal’s done, the contract’s inked, the check’s in the mail.
Am I right, or Amarillo?

Thanks in advance,

Robin